Old Age #5

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.



After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.



The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'



'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

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John Stuart Mill

"Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so."

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Bill Watterson

"Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination."

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J. Bartlett Brebner

"Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are malevolently well informed about the United States."

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William Hazlitt

"When a thing ceases to be a subject of controversy, it ceases to be a subject of interest."

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TEWS: On the up: 29 Apr 13

Things are 'on the up' for Jennifer and Jean at work. Find out why in The English We Speak.

Listen : http://downloads.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/worldservice/tae/tae_20130429-1200a.mp3

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Elizabeth Aston

"Love has no place in a lawyer's office."

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Dana Carvey

"I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level."

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Shelley Winters

"I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience."

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Mark Twain

"Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable."

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W. C. Fields

"Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people."

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John Buchan

"An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support."

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Donald H. Rumsfeld

"If you are not criticized, you may not be doing much."

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Eric Hoffer

"Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength."

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Saki

"Addresses are given to us to conceal our whereabouts."

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Bethania McKenstry

"I'm not sure I want popular opinion on my side -- I've noticed those with the most opinions often have the fewest facts."

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Ralph Waldo Emerson

"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines."

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Jay Leno

"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?"

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Arthur C. Clarke

"The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale."

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J. W. Schopf

"For four-fifths of our history, our planet was populated by pond scum."

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Hobart Brown

"Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars."

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Doug Larson

"Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks."

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J. Frank Dobie

"The average Ph.D. thesis is nothing but a transference of bones from one graveyard to another. "

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Bruce Grocott

"I have long been of the opinion that if work were such a splendid thing the rich would have kept more of it for themselves."

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Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything."

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Bertolt Brecht

"Why be a man when you can be a success?"

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Don Marquis

"Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth."

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Douglas Adams

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."

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Tom Stoppard

"I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity."

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Doris Day

"The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you'll grow out of it."

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Ron Nesen

"Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source."

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Robert Benchley

"Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people."

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Frank Lloyd Wright

"The truth is more important than the facts."

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Evan Esar

"Play: Work that you enjoy doing for nothing."

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TEWS: LOL!: 22 Apr 13

Do you know what this text message abbreviation means? Find out with Jennifer and Rob in this week's programme.

Listen : http://downloads.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/worldservice/tae/tae_20130422-1200a.mp3

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Jerome K. Jerome

"It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do."

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Woody Allen

"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."

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Robert Redford

"If you stay in Beverly Hills too long you become a Mercedes."

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George Orwell

"The great enemy of clear language is insincerity. When there is a gap between one's real and one's declared aims, one turns as it were instinctively to long words and exhausted idioms, like a cuttlefish spurting out ink."

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Yogi Berra

"You can observe a lot just by watching."

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Groucho Marx

"Go, and never darken my towels again."

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John H. Patterson

"An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides correctly, but he always decides."

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J. R. R. Tolkien

"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."

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Parental Advisory - The importance of pronunciation.

I had to share this, even though it's a bit rude.



Thanks to Sandor.

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Steven Wright

"I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it."

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Dave Barry

"I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to."

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Jane Austen

"I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them."

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Carl Sagan

"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe."

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Gerald R. Ford

"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been."

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John F. Kennedy

"When we got into office, the thing that surprised me the most was that things were as bad as we'd been saying they were."

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James Thurber

"All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why."

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Henry Adams

"No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous."

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Jack Benny

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either."

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George Bernard Shaw

"It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid."

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Alfred North Whitehead

"I have suffered a great deal from writers who have quoted this or that sentence of mine either out of its context or in juxtaposition to some incongruous matter which quite distorted my meaning , or destroyed it altogether."

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Rodney Dangerfield

"A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home."

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In honour of National Blah Blah Blah day.

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Edward Abbey

"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, there ain't nothin' can beat teamwork."

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George Bush

"I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them."

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Henry David Thoreau

"Thank God men cannot as yet fly and lay waste the sky as well as the earth!"

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Fran Lebowitz

"I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not."

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Victor Hugo

"There is always more misery among the lower classes than there is humanity in the higher."

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New Home

My new home tienganhvui.com

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