9:36 AM
Tieng Anh Vui
Author: John Gottman
The second horseman was defensiveness which is a natural reaction to being criticized. It takes two forms: counterattacking or acting like an innocent victim and whining. Again, the Masters were very different even when their partner was critical. They accepted the criticism, or even took responsibility for part of the problem. They said, “Talk to me, I want to hear how you feel about this.”
Contempt is talking down to their partner. Being insulting or acting superior. Not only did it predict relationship breakup, but it predicted the number of infectious illnesses that the recipient of contempt would have in the next four years when we measured health.
John has studied thousands of couples and show Four things came up again and again that indicated a relationship was headed for trouble. He call them "The Four Horsemen Of The Relationship Apocalypse"
#1: Criticism
Criticism is staging the problem in a relationship as a character flaw in a partner. The Masters did the opposite: they point a finger at themselves and they really have a very gentle way of starting up the discussion, minimizing the problem and talking about what they feel and what they need.#2: Defensiveness
The second horseman was defensiveness which is a natural reaction to being criticized. It takes two forms: counterattacking or acting like an innocent victim and whining. Again, the Masters were very different even when their partner was critical. They accepted the criticism, or even took responsibility for part of the problem. They said, “Talk to me, I want to hear how you feel about this.”
#3: Contempt
Contempt is talking down to their partner. Being insulting or acting superior. Not only did it predict relationship breakup, but it predicted the number of infectious illnesses that the recipient of contempt would have in the next four years when we measured health.
#4: Stonewalling
It’s shutting down or tuning out. It passively tells your partner, “I don’t care.” And 85% of the time it’s guys who do this.John is a professor emeritus at the University of Wrashington and co-founder of the Gottman Institute. He’s published over 190 papers and authored more than 40 books, including:
- Principia Amoris: The New Science of Love
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
- The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships
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