Fun English Study

Originally from Buzzfeed, but cleaned up.

1. Thanks = Well done on reading this whole email.

2. Thanks! = Genuinely amazed you made it all the way through this.

3. Many thanks = Zero thanks.

4. Thank you = I am furious with you.

5. Thx = I think Zayn is my favourite member of 1D.

6. Regards = I really couldn’t care less.

7. Kind regards = I really couldn’t care less, but this is my way of appearing like I could.

8. KR = I couldn’t even be bothered to write the full words, that’s how kind my regards are.

9. Warm regards = If we ever meet I’ll probably try to smell your hair.

10. Warmest regards = your body hair.

11. Sincerely = Insincerely

12. Faithfully = The internet is the hub of all evil and I think the world’s problems would be solved if everyone just wrote handwritten letters.

13. Yours = There’s a picture of you on my pillow.

14. Cheers = Look at how normal I am!

15. Cheers mate = Look at how normal I am, now let’s get down the pub.

16. Ta = I am too busy to write whole words, so this noise shall suffice.

17. Bye = I hate you.

18. Goodbye = I hate everyone.

19. Best wishes = I have to write something here, and this will do.

20. Best = I’m thinking about what I’m going to have for lunch.

21. Very best = I know what I’m going to have for lunch now and I’m super psyched.

22. All the best = BURRITO MINUS 30 MINUTES!

23. [Your name] = I can spell my own name!

24. [Your initials] = I can’t quite spell my own name.

25. :) = This emoticon is happier than I could ever hope to be. Why does no one love me???

26. ;) = I totally would.

27. Laters = I have so much disdain for you that I just made up a word.

28. Looking forward to hearing from you = REPLY IMMEDIATELY.

29. x = I’m flirty.

30. xxx = I’m currently under investigation for an HR violation.

31. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx = I’m not allowed to use scissors.

32. Take it easy = You’ll never see me again.

33. See you soon = Oh god I hope not.

34. Talk soon = See above.

35. Sent from my iPhone = I HAVE AN iPHONE (and more money than sense).

36. Sent from my iPhone so please excuse typos = I HAVE AN iPHONE (and more money than sense, but I can't be bothered to check my mails before pressing SEND).

37. Love = So lonely.

38. Lots of love = So very, very lonely.

39. Write back = Write back, or the cat gets it.

40. TTYL = YSPNTTMABIACAS (You Should Probably Never Talk To Me Again Because I Am Clearly A Sociopath)

41. Take care = I hope you die.

Original Here: http://ift.tt/Qyhnbb

Đăng ký: Hoc tieng anh

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Hello Mother (Muddah), Hello Father (Faddah)

1:02 AM

Man on Net

"Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh (A Letter from Camp)" is a Grammy Award-winning novelty song by Allan Sherman and Lou Busch, based on letters of complaint Allan received from his son Robert while Robert attended Camp Champlain in Westport, New York.

The song is a parody that complains about the fictional "Camp Granada" and is set to the tune of Amilcare Ponchielli's "Dance of the Hours".

Hello muddah, hello faddah,

Here I am at Camp Granada.

Camp is very entertaining,

And they say we'll have some fun if it stops raining!

I went hiking with Joe Spivey,

He developed poison ivy.

You remember Lennard Skinard?

He got ptomain poisoning last night after dinner!

All the counsellors hate the waiters,

And the lake has alligators!

And the head coach wants no sissies,

So he reads to us from something called 'Ulysses'.

No, I don't want this should scare ya,

But my bunkmate has malaria!

You remember Geoffrey Hardy,

They're about to organize a searching party!

Take me home, oh muddah, faddah!

Take me home, I hate Granada.

Don't leave me out in the forest,

Where I might get eaten by a bear!

Take me home, I promise I will not make noise,

Or mess the house with other boys.

Oh please don't make me stay;

I've been here one whole day!

Dearest faddah, darling muddah,

How's my precious little bruddah?

Let me come home if you miss me;

I would even let Aunt Bertha hug and kiss me!

Wait a minute; it stopped hailing.

Guys are swimming, guys are sailing.

Playing baseball, gee that's better.

Muddah, faddah, kindly disregard this letter!

Đăng ký: Hoc tieng anh

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Don't be obstinate...

7:02 AM

Man on Net

Transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 04-01-1995.

American: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadian: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

American: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

Canadian: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."

American: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."

Canadian: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

!Note - (Unfortunately this conversation never really took place, but I almost wish it had.)

Đăng ký: Hoc tieng anh

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Do you ever have to do the washing up?

8:02 AM

Man on Net

Michael Rosen is a British children's novelist, poet and ambassador for English.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Gangnam Style Parody - Whitby Gothic Style

3:36 PM

Man on Net

Thanks to Elfish for sharing this on FB.

Đăng ký: Hoc tieng anh

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Joke: 38 tips to improve your writing (a joke)

3:34 PM

Man on Net

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. Employ the vernacular.

4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

6. Remember to never split an infinitive.

7. Contractions aren't necessary.

8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

9. One should never generalize.

10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

13. Be more or less specific.

14. Understatement is always best.

15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The passive voice is to be avoided.

18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

20. Who needs rhetorical questions?

21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

22. Don't never use a double negation.

23. capitalise every sentence and remember always end it with a full stop

24. Do not put statements in the negative form.

25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

28. A writer must not shift your point of view.

29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!

31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.

32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

37. Always pick on the correct idiom.

38. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Views on marriage by children...

3:35 PM

Man on Net

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.

- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.

- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don’t want any more kids.

- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

- Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

-Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they’re rich.

- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.

- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.

- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out.

- Theodore, age 8

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?

- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is……..

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.

- Ricky, age 10

Đăng ký: Hoc tieng anh

Monday, July 15, 2013

Dr. Good - Human Body Vocabulary - Parental Advisory

11:18 PM

Man on Net

TiengAnhVui.Com

My favourite bits?

"Who wants pills?"

"It's strange to think that when I love someone, I'm really just loving a bag full of stuff."

Đăng ký: Hoc tieng anh

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Naming the baby

4:46 PM

Man on Net

A pregnant woman is in a car accident and goes into a coma.

After nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Don't worry, you had twins! We had to do a C-section, but you had a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother was here and he named them for you."

The woman says, "Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor replies.

Happy, she says, "Well, that's not a bad name!" So a bit more optimistically she asks the doctor, "And what's the boy's name?"

Quietly, the doctor replies, "Denephew."

Đăng ký: Hoc tieng anh

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Do you suffer from G.O.D complex?

5:10 AM

Man on Net

"Every time a modifier dangles, a communicator gets his wings."

A look at the symptoms of the scourge of professional communicators. (I do try to correct people gently.)

Đăng ký: Hoc tieng anh

Friday, May 31, 2013

Irish Philosophy

3:40 PM

Man on Net

There are only two things to worry about: Either you are well or you are sick:-

If you are well then there's nothing to worry about, but if you are sick there are two things to worry about:-

Either you will get well or you will die, and if you get well there is nothing to worry about, but if you die there are two things to worry about:-

Either you will go to heaven or you will go to hell, and if you go to heaven there is nothing to worry about, but if you go to hell you will be so busy shaking hands with friends, you won't have time to worry!

Đăng ký: Hoc tieng anh